


The Fallacy of the Heart

by Hallianna



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Choose Your Own Ending, F/M, Shakarian - Freeform, Shenko - Freeform, choose your own romance, shega
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-11-11
Packaged: 2018-02-03 02:04:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1727117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hallianna/pseuds/Hallianna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Choose Your Romance Option story</p><p>The heart is a fickle thing.  If Shepard could go back and change anything....would she choose someone else?  After her fight with Kaidan on Horizon, she is heartbroken and not sure if she can mend her relationship with him.  She turns to Garrus, who has always been there with steady hand and an honesty she appreciates.  By the time the Reapers invade, Shepard's personal life is the least of her worries.</p><p>So in the end, who should she choose?  Go back to the man she loved first?  Reunite with the turian who kept her from breaking?  Or forge ahead alone, knowing that this war with the Reapers may be the end of her.  Or does a certain Marine get her heart?  Pick your OTP, or read all the endings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fade Out

**Author's Note:**

> Written in a sort of Choose Your Own Adventure style, I wanted to rewrite some of the scenes I had issues with during the Kaidan/Garrus/Femshep love triangle in ME3. It bothered me that Kaidan accused her of cheating, and it bothered me more that she just took that accusation. So the idea for this fic was born - why not pick your favorite ending (with a few rewritten scenes), or read them all? Shenko, Shakarian, Shega all within.
> 
> How to read: After Chapter 3, the chapters will be titled with the romance option. You can skip ahead to the chapters of your preference, which will be named like this: "Chapter 4: Kaidan" or "Chapter 6: Garrus".
> 
> Please know that I am working on this fic in the long-term, as I'm dealing with an injury that keeps me from typing for long periods at a time. Also, I bow down to Jalice's superior beta skills. Lady, you are a master and you make my words so much better.

Three days.  That’s how long it took before she was ready to read the message from Kaidan.

 _Three days_.

In space, on a ship, three days was nothing, or at least it seemed like nothing.  A simple passage of time that meant little and was marked by only a few ordinary occurrences.  Mordin’s excited exclamation that he had discovered a new strain of some virus and could cure it.  Joker’s insistence that EDI was watching him while he slept.  Grunt taking out his aggression on the Blood Pack mercenaries they stumbled across while scanning a gaseous planet for resources.  

Shepard could still hear the krogan’s delighted growl as he headbutted the merc group’s leader, the crunch of bone and cartilage making even Garrus flinch before he whispered to her, “Remind me not to piss him off.  I don’t think my plates could take it.”

So the time passed and the message lingered, blinking at her every time she walked by her console.  And now she could only stare at it, the opening line so seemingly unobtrusive, but Shepard knew better.

 Her heart was already shattered.  This message couldn’t do much more to an already-broken woman, could it?  The commander wasn’t permitted to feel so hurt by what he’d said to her on Horizon, but the woman….all the woman could do was think about how much she’d missed him.  Shepard missed his subtle humor and his dry laugh and his warm hands.  On the ship, they were Commander and Lieutenant.  Never anything more or less.  They were careful never to give any reason for the others to gossip, even though most suspected that Shepard and Kaidan were together anyway.  

But in private, they were equals.  Friends.  Lovers.  The passion between them was neither contained nor controlled.  In the quiet dark of her cabin, she discovered who Kaidan really was - the walls dropped, the dam overflowed, and she never once told him no.

Memory was a funny thing. It was so easy to get lost in and Shepard found herself standing in front of her console, hands on her desk, jolted back to reality by that damn blinking light.  The harsh reality of the state of things with Kaidan now interrupted sweet memories of what they had shared before and she hated it.  But reality was staring her in the face and she couldn’t ignore it, not when the Collectors were breathing down her neck.

What she’d had with Kaidan was gone.  It simply didn’t exist anymore, not when the man she’d loved could so easily dismiss her as a traitor without really listening or even acknowledging who was standing right in front of him.  A cold wave of bitterness washed over her, tugging her into her seat, drawing her to the console.  She let it pull her down, accepting its truth.

With steady hand and dying heart, she opened the message.

 

* * *

 

Garrus was pretty awful at reading human expressions.  Their faces were too malleable, constantly twitching and flitting.  Too many muscles, endlessly in motion.  Turians were simple - face plates and mandibles shifted in a relatively limited catalogue of expressions.  If you really wanted to know what was going on inside a turian’s mind, you listened to their vocals.

A turian’s vocals betrayed them every time.

Shepard was the first human he’d ever met who could school her face into an impassive mask, and he at first thought that was common in human females.  But the more time he spent with her, the more he realized that she _had_ to keep her face neutral.  Because if you spent any amount of time with Commander Shepard in any off-duty situation, you learned very quickly that her face showed everything.

He spent those months aboard the SR-1 learning her expressions, and her vocalizations.  He found himself fascinated by the way she controlled her emotions, tightly packing them and putting them away when she needed to, or letting them run wild when her barriers were down.  Turians didn’t usually let themselves be so open with anyone except close friends and family, but she’d smiled at and laughed with everyone on their team.  Even Wrex found himself on the receiving end of one of her blinding smiles and the hardened krogan was unable to resist.

Garrus found himself enchanted by her.  That was the only suitable word he could find to describe his obsessive habit of  listening for her footsteps coming toward him.  He took her advice to heart, and kept her laughter and her casual touches close.  He knew rationally, that it meant nothing.  She touched everyone like that.  But for him, it represented acceptance.  It was the closest thing to appreciation, to a friend, he’d ever had.  

He’d been a fool to never tell her that.

Two years and a death later, not much had changed with Shepard.  She still smiled, still chatted, administered timely advice, and freely offered to help where she could.  She had not been tainted by her death and the machines of Cerberus.  He shuddered, trying not to think about what Miranda and Cerberus would have done to bring her back, to….piece Shepard together after her death.  The wires and tech and mechanics of it was something he never wanted to know about.  But Garrus knew it was her, knew it was the same Shepard he’d admired, had looked up to when the stakes were focused on Saren, when loss came in the form of Virmire and Ashley.

But her heart seemed different now.  He knew because he’d been watching her ever since he’d come aboard the SR-2 and while it was definitely Shepard, something was off.  At first he figured it was exhaustion, as though she quietly wished she’d been left to rest.  He didn’t like to dwell on it, but he understood.

But after Horizon, after her fight with Kaidan, Shepard had been left of port.  And that truly bothered him.  Like looking down a scope and knowing that if he adjusted it just a fraction of a centimeter, his shot would line up, he wanted to fix whatever was wrong with her so she’d level out.

He’d come into the lounge for a drink and some quiet, a different kind of quiet from that of the gun battery, and saw her sitting there, staring out at the stars. Her face was so open, so painfully raw and honest it hurt to look at her.  And the expression was universal, terrible and beautiful in how easily he recognized it.

Garrus instantly understood where her pain was coming from. _That son of a bitch_.  He was no poet, no scholar, but Garrus knew love could riddle anyone, including the great Commander Shepard, full of holes.  The fight she’d had on Horizon with Kaidan had been ugly; he’d called her a traitor, had refused to listen to reason, and Garrus had watched her clench her fist and heard her shaking breath before she ordered the Normandy in for pickup.  He’d thought it was leftover tension from the battle, but he knew now she’d been angry at Kaidan.

Now that anger had dissipated into…..this.  Pain and sadness, all at the hands of a man he’d once called teammate and friend.  Garrus’s sense of betrayal was nothing compared to what Shepard must have been feeling, but it burned in his lungs nonetheless.  

Garrus stood in the door and watched Shepard stare out at the black, her face showing him everything and he felt an almost undeniable urge to help her, to take that pain from her.  It hit him in the chest with startling force, that feeling, and he took a step back. The noise of his feet shuffling against the floor drew her attention to him, her head snapping in his direction, her wide eyes softening once she saw it was him.

“If you were anyone else, I’d kick you out,” she said softly, motioning him over with a wave of her hand.  “Not really feeling up for company right now, so my conversation skills might be a little lacking.”

“I can go back to the gun battery,” Garrus replied after a beat, walking toward her despite his words.  He was drawn to her even now, as she tried to school her face into a smile for him.  It was just for show, but he was charmed by the fact that she would do that, for him.  “But since you already admitted I’m the only one whose company you’re willing to keep…”

Shepard stifled a dry laugh and patted the seat next to her.  “Well, sit down then.  Unless you’re drinking, because in that case, pour me another one.”

Garrus skirted around the couch and headed for the bar, snagging her glass from her as he passed.  “One of those nights, Shepard?”

Her head sank back against the cushion and she groaned.  “I’m thinking of just getting drunk and passing out here.  Is that acceptable for a commander?”

He chuckled as he poured their drinks.  “Probably not, unless Mordin has a great hangover cure.”

“Crap.”

Garrus came back around the couch and put her drink in front of her face.  “Drink up.”  Shepard took the drink with a small smile and he settled next to her, watching her closely.  He wanted to give her the opportunity to talk if she needed it, or to just sit in silence.  It was really up to her, but he didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, so he went with humor.  “So, do we drink in silence or do we throw them back and begin with the confessions?  I’ll start - mine has to do with an undying love for elcor poetry.” He nudged her shoulder.  “Your turn.  Make it good, Shepard.”

Shepard froze, her face completely impassive for a long moment and Garrus was afraid he’d said something wrong, but her laughter cut his thoughts short.  She moved closer to him, put her free hand on his, and said, “Oh, Garrus, what would I do without you?” She shook her head, took a drink, and then said, “A confession?  I’m guessing you want a real one, not anything to do with elcor poetry.”

He laughed at the face she made.  “How do you know elcor poetry isn’t high quality literature?”

She snorted.  “I’d make a Vogon joke there but I don’t think you’d get it.”  Shepard was quiet for a moment, her eyes focused on her drink, then she took a deep breath and threw the rest of the whiskey back.  “Okay, here goes.  That fight Kaidan and I had on Horizon?”  Garrus nodded, feeling his gut twist in anticipation.  “Do you know what it was really about?”

Garrus found himself brought up short by her question.  “I’m - I’m not sure how to answer that, Shepard.  I mean, pretty much everyone knew you two were, um….together.”

She ran a hand through her hair.  “Yeah, I know.  I mean, we were never seen together on the ship but gossip - “

“It’s what happens on a ship.”  Garrus shrugged easily, flaring his mandibles in a smile.  “It’s not like anyone ever caught you two in an elevator.”  Shepard’s eyes grew wide at his comment and he gave a flanging laugh.  “Unless there’s something else you aren’t telling me.”

“What?  No!”  She punched him in the shoulder.  “You’re as bad as the comm officers, Garrus.  Bunch of gossipy school girls.”  She sighed.  “Anyways, that’s what the fight was about.  How he loved me and he felt betrayed because I turned my back on the Alliance.”  She gestured to the Cerberus logo on her uniform.  “Because of this damn thing.”  She looked up at him, eyes shining.  “I know you heard most of that.”

Garrus inclined his head.  “Kind of hard not to, when he was yelling it.”

“Yeah, yeah he was.  But it wasn’t just about him feeling betrayed, Garrus.  I understand how Kaidan feels, I do.  He was hurt.  What we had, it….died when I did.  He tried to move on, and was grieving and then I was back, alive, and in his face and it all fell apart.”  Shepard wiped the back of her hand across her eyes.  “We fell apart and it was ugly.”  

Silence spread between them until Garrus finally said, “So what do you do, Shepard?  I mean, I’m no expert on these kinds of things but it sounds like you’re trying to move on.”

Her mouth kicked up in a small smile, but to Garrus, it almost looked like a grimace.  He’d never be able to tell the difference on any other human.  But he knew her, and her face, too well.  “I think I am.  Kaidan sent me a message, tried to apologize….sort of. But too much has happened, too much time has passed.  We’re different people, in different places and - “ She sighed.  “I’ll miss him.”

Her words grabbed at him, shook him to the core.  He waited a moment, trying to pull his thoughts together in some semblance of a sentence, and finally managed, “It might not mean much, but I’m glad you’re here, Shepard.  And Kaidan, he’s...well, he’s allowed to feel the way he does but that doesn’t mean I don’t think he’s an idiot.  He was a friend, but friends don’t treat each other like that.  And you two -”  He looked away then, the words he wanted to spit out stuck somewhere in his throat.  “Well, it’s none of my business, but he’s still an idiot.”

Shepard swallowed a mouthful of liquor slowly, her eyes narrowing as she digested his words.  “You’re a good man, Garrus,” she said quietly.  She put her hand on top of his and they both stared out at the black.  They didn’t know it, but they were both thinking the same thing.   


	2. Not Defined By The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard is moving on from Kaidan, and now realizes that Garrus has always been there for her. Is this the right move to make?

“Ha, scoped and dropped!”

Shepard shook her head, grinning as the turian ambled up to her.  “You enjoyed that far too much.”

Garrus shrugged, eyebrow plates raised in amusement.  “What can I say?  I’m very good at what I do.  No reason I shouldn’t enjoy it, right?”

“Most snipers are a bit cocky, Shepard.  It’s in our nature,” a dark voice said over her shoulder.  Shepard turned to see Thane staring at her, impassive features broken only by the slightest of smirks.

She raised an eyebrow at the drell.  “I wouldn’t describe you as cocky.”

The smirk never left his face.  “I’m more subtle about it.”

Shepard watched him walk away and join Garrus as they scouted ahead for more mercs.  “Heaven save me from cocky snipers,” she muttered as she sprinted toward them.  She was within ten feet of their new position when the ricochet of a bullet sent her ducking for cover.

But she was a split second too slow, and the next bullet took down her shields.  She braced for the impact of the following bullet, knowing it could be a kill shot, when a force, hard and fast, shoved the air from her lungs and took her to the ground.

“Shepard, are you okay?”

Shepard opened her eyes and saw Garrus staring down at her, concern written all over his face.  She’d never thought turian faces were very expressive but she’d always been able to read Garrus like a book.  Right now, she read worry and fear and shock, his blue eyes darting over her face.

She wheezed out a breath, her lungs straining for air as the bulk of his frame pinned her, and listened for the telltale pops of Thane’s Widow as he took down the would-be Shepard-killers.  She hit Garrus on the shoulder and said, voice deeper than normal, “Gotta roll off me, Garrus, you’re too heavy.  Then I’ll tell you how I am.”

He chuckled, an embarrassed sound, and pulled himself away so she could breathe.  “All targets down,” Thane said in her ear, and she knew it was safe to sit up.  She took the hand Garrus offered and settled against a rock before saying, “Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks for the save.”

Garrus inclined his head, grinning at her.  “Better be more careful, Shepard. I’m sure Chakwas would love another excuse to get you in the Med Bay.  I overheard her with you yesterday, all excited about running scans on you.”

She snorted.  “I don’t think a scan would cut it, big guy.  Besides, Miranda could fix it.  A bullet wound has to be far easier than someone who was spaced.”

The smile slid off his face and she instantly regretted her words.  They’d never talked about the time she was gone, other than what he did while on Omega.  He didn’t voice aloud his grief, but she knew it had been there, buried under plates and beneath blue eyes and sharp, funny comments about snipers and style.  Liara told her that Garrus had been incommunicado after her death, and when Wrex of all people finally found him, he had refused to discuss Shepard or anything to do with her.

Liara had gotten him drunk enough one night that he finally confessed his sorrow, his rage at Shepard’s death.  They’d all lost a friend, a commander, but Garrus had lost something else.  He’d had no words for it, and Liara wasn’t sure herself what he couldn’t give voice to, but she’d told Shepard the feeling went beyond friendship, beyond admiration.

“Sorry, Garrus,” she whispered, not meaning for him to hear.  He did, of course, because of their linked comms and his head swiveled back so he could watch her get to her feet.  She looked up at him with clear eyes and ordered them forward, mind spinning, determined to finish the mission.

Garrus took point at her orders and Thane dropped back to cover them as they pressed forward.  Silence surrounded them, filling their ears, fooling their eyes.  These mercs were good, but they were better.

A beep had Shepard shooting Thane a glance.  “I thought I might offer some advice, Shepard,” Thane said as he punched a privacy filter onto their comms.  “About Garrus.”

That made her give Garrus the all-stop order so they could get the lay of the land better, and so she could figure out exactly what Thane was on about.  Garrus settled into a makeshift sniper perch and she and Thane took up spots around him, eyes scouring the landscape for any sign of the merc encampment they’d come down to the planet for.

She waited a few moments, then switched back to the private channel Thane had established.  “Okay, what is this advice you have?”

Shepard could only see the side of his face from her position, but she swore he smiled slightly before saying, “I know I haven’t been on the Normandy long, Shepard, but I have observed something.  Garrus is….an admirable teammate.  I have not met many people in my line of work who have given me pause.  He does.”

“What do you mean?

“He’s skilled, intelligent, a very good shot.  Someone I trust to watch my back, and someone I would deem a worthy opponent.”  Thane adjusted his scope slightly.  “But Shepard, I must also tell you this.  He cares for you, deeply.”

She narrowed her eyes at him.  “We’re friends, Thane.  Garrus was with me on the SR-1, when we took down Saren.  We’ve been through a lot together.”

“And this is why I feel obliged to give you a bit of advice.  I mentioned this before, I was married once.  I let my work get in the way of that, and I lost Irikah.  I lost her because I did not pay close enough attention, because I was unwilling to live.”  He turned to look at her dead on.  “Do not let this chase with the Collectors take away from you the possibility of life, Shepard.  Do not let your past, or your future, dictate your present.”

His eyes met hers and he nodded slightly at her.  “Simply some advice from a man who has lost much in his life.  Take it for what it is.”

Shepard found herself haunted by Thane’s words for the rest of the day, and well into the night.  They followed her into sleep and left her fitful, restless.  She paced the length of her cabin over and over again, reminiscing.  Memories good and bad tore through her mind and she lingered on those lost, forever and from her heart.

_Ashley.  Kaidan._

But Garrus wasn’t gone, he was two levels down.  He might even be awake. She knew he kept odd hours, usually calibrating something or tinkering around in the battery.

The ghosts of the past, and the spark of possibility, drew her to him.  Garrus was safe, comfortable, a friend and trusted confidant.  Omega had hardened him, made him quicker, smarter, tougher.  She appreciated this new side of him but she also worried about the vengeance he sought for his dead team and hoped the bullet he wanted to put through Sidonis would not leave his gun when the time came.  

_He cares for you, deeply._

And she knew she cared for him, too.  Thane’s words had not rung hollow or false.  There’d been no impropriety, no lie in what he’d said to her that afternoon.  Just the truth from a man whose life had been full of sorrow and loss, and as he’d confessed to her before, a life slowly ending.  He was using what was left of it to make the universe a little brighter.

_Do not let this chase with the Collectors take away from you the possibility of life, Shepard.  Do not let your past, or your future, dictate your present._

Attraction, she mused as she rode the elevator down to the third level, was a complex thing.  A man like Thane was dangerous, and that on a certain level was attractive.  A man like Jacob was loyal, and that could be attractive.  But those were qualities, parts of a person, not the whole.

She’d loved Kaidan for his loyalty and his mind and his passion.  His mind and his passion kept each other in check.  His loyalty had broken them both.  Maybe, in another life, if things had gone differently…..they’d still be together.  

The elevator doors slid open and she walked to the gun battery, thinking, wishing, hoping.  Thinking that this could be a mistake, that Garrus would see her as a friend and nothing more.  And it if it wasn’t a mistake, she wouldn’t force this. Wouldn’t force either of them into this.  

Wishing that she wasn’t so nervous.  She was Commander Shepard, after all.  Savior of the Citadel.  The woman who was taking the Collectors head-on.  But this, this walk to the gun battery, had her wanting to flee.  She scoffed at herself, stopping mid-stride. _Quit being stupid.  You can head butt a krogan and pull a gun on an assassin.  You can do this._

She just wished the tiny part of her that had its doubts would shut the hell up so she could get on with it.

She hoped she wasn’t wrong, that Thane wasn’t wrong.  She hoped that this pull on her heart wasn’t leading her astray.  Some part of her would always love Kaidan, but if she wasn’t going to be defined by her past, or her future, her present was telling her that Garrus was supposed to be a part of it.

  
  


* * *

 

He had to be hearing her wrong.

_Did she just…? No, couldn’t be._

_Why would Shepard be interested in him?_

Shepard’s quiet laugh snapped him back to reality.  “Cat got your tongue, Garrus?”

Garrus’s brow plates drew down in vexation as he fumbled for words.  “What does that - Shepard, I don’t even know what that means.”  He looked around the small room, at the metal walls, the grated floor, at his feet….at anything but her.  But he spent too much time looking away because he missed seeing her boots move until she was right in front of him, a gentle hand drawing his face up so she could look him in the eyes.

“If you’re not interested, Garrus, just say so.”  She smiled softly at him, dark eyes tracing his features, lingering on his colony markings.  He could feel their heat, their fire, as she memorized his face.  “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You don’t make me uncomfortable, Shepard.  Nervous, yes, but never uncomfortable,” he replied, the words forming and spilling out of his mouth before he had time to think them over.  He was still so baffled by her flirtatious suggestion that they “relieve tension” together that he could barely process any of what was going on.  His mind was too full, his body a traitor inside his now too-tight armor.

“Hmmm,” she hummed thoughtfully, reaching up to run a finger over his mandible.  “You know, Old Garrus I could see nervous.  I knew that Garrus, eager guy so willing to prove he was more than just a good shot and a pretty face.”

 _Damn, what is she trying to do to me?_ Garrus thought as he watched her smile and shift closer.  “Is that supposed to be a compliment?” he asked, voice dropping in reaction to her proximity.

“Kind of.  More like an observation mixed in with the realization that this Garrus, the one in front of me, doesn’t have any reason to be nervous.”  Her hand dropped from his face and he missed the contact, wanted more.  “This Garrus is hardened, more confident.”  Her mouth twitched in a smile.  “Arrogant.  I like it.”

His hand dropped near her waist, so close to contact and he ached right then to touch her, any part of her.  He sought permission with his eyes, found it on her face, and wrapped his hand around her hip as gently as his armored glove would allow.  

That single touch made her gasp, nothing more than a tiny sound on an exhale of air but it stoked a fire in him.  This was Shepard, his commander, his friend….a human woman.  He’d never found humans particularly attractive but he looked down at her and saw a promise.  Power. Vulnerability.  Passion.  Dark eyes and darker hair and features and skin and a body he didn’t understand.  

But he was more than willing to learn, and be taught by the woman he now held with one hand.

 

 


	3. A Reckoning To See Through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vega and Shepard meet, and Shepard realizes her heart is held by two men.

The woman sitting on the other side of the glass was not what, or who, James Vega expected.  The vids made Commander Shepard out to be this big hero, a woman no force could stand against.

The woman he saw mere feet from him looked exhausted.  Dressed in Alliance blue, dark hair pulled back according to regs, she was the picture perfect soldier.  But he could see the dark circles under her eyes, the slump in her shoulders, the slow drag of her thumb as she powered off the datapad.

Everything about her spoke of a woman who had seen Hell and clawed her way back from its depths.

“You’re in charge of her, Lieutenant,” Anderson said from his right.  Vega whipped around and saw the Admiral standing a few feet from him.  “Keep a close watch on her, and you let me know if you see anything….unusual.”

Vega saluted, but his eyes narrowed the moment his hand dropped.  “What do you mean, unusual, sir?”

Anderson sighed.  “Anything, Vega, anything.  Shepard has been through more than most.  We can’t begin to understand what she’s seen or done.  She’s lost friends, loved ones.  She died and was brought back.”  He put a hand on the marine’s shoulder, his eyes boring into Vega.  “Just keep an eye on her, son.  Talk to her.  Shepard’s a good soldier, a hell of a commander, but she’s also a person.”  He squeezed Vega’s shoulder and let go.  “And whatever you do, don’t patronize her.  She won’t be quick to trust you, but give her time.  You might learn something.”

Vega watched Anderson walk away and was ready to hit the door command when he heard Anderson say, “And Lieutenant?  You’re under my orders, as well as Hackett’s.  No one, and I mean no one, is to approach Shepard unless they have authorization from one of us.  Even if it’s Alliance.  You understand?”

Vegan threw up another salute.  “Yes, sir!”

Anderson nodded sharply and disappeared around a corner.  Vega took a deep breath, opened the door, and walked into Shepard’s room.

He knew instantly that he’d made a mistake in thinking that this woman, this soldier, was only the sum of the parts he could see.  The scrutiny she bore down on him, dark eyes blazing a trail over him in cold, calculated fashion, taking stock of his very being, made him stand up that much taller as he saluted her.  

“Lieutenant James Vega, Commander Shepard.  I’m here under Admiral Anderson’s orders.”

She waited a very long beat before setting aside a datapad to stand and stalk toward him, every inch the respected military leader.  Deadly tactician.  Sentinel.  Her face was an impassive mask but her eyes were hot and he thought he might burn under her stare. _From cold to hot in a fraction of a second_ , he thought, his mind running swiftly in the opposite direction, trying to take his body with it.  Part of him was okay with that, if it meant getting out from under her stare.

She stuck her hand out and he accepted it gratefully, watching with fascination as her mask dropped a little.  “You shouldn’t call me that, Lieutenant,” she said, her voice a husky, soft roll over his nerves.   “I’m not technically Alliance anymore.”

“No offense, ma’am, but you’ll always be Alliance.”  He dropped her hand and watched as she sat back down, taking the chair she offered him.  “You’ll always be Commander Shepard to people like me.  To soldiers who know what you’ve done.”

Something like respect, flushed with a tinge of pleasure at his words, flashed over her face, almost too quick for Vega to register fully.  “So, tell me Lieutenant Vega….what exactly are you supposed to be doing here?”  Her eyes flicked to the corners of the room, suspicion crossing her features.  “Anderson appointed you babysitter?”

That made him crack a smile, the venom in her words not really biting, just testing his mettle.  “Maybe.  I just think he’d rather have someone he trusts watching your back, instead of having you under a guard he doesn’t know.”

She settled back in her chair, mask slipping a bit further so he could see her face break into a small smile.  “Sounds like Anderson.”  She crossed her legs at the knee, looking for all intents and purposes like she was the one in charge of the room, and her future. Uncertainty, the elephant that had stomped its way into her life from the moment she’d turned herself into the Alliance, had no place here.  “So, Vega….tell me about yourself.”

An hour later, Shepard watched James Vega leave her room with a smile and a shake of her head.  Good man, good soldier.  A bit young, but he’d shape up with some training and the right commanding officer.

She shot a glance at the datapad she’d been holding when Vega had come into the room.  She hadn’t forgotten what was on it, but Vega had been a welcome distraction for a short period of time.  Shepard picked up the datapad and started reading, hoping the information wasn’t all bad news.

She hadn’t needed to beg and plead for basic information on her old crew - Anderson had slipped her bare facts and stats.  At least they were all alive.  After the Collector base attack, they’d come back through the Omega-4 relay and headed to Omega.  She’d promised them a party and a party they’d had - she didn’t remember half of it.

And the half she did remember involved her and Garrus and her bed….and her desk….and her couch.  The feel of his plates against her skin.  His hands on her hips, holding her down.  

She shivered, eyes closing against the memories.  They’d made no promises to each other after she told him her plans.  There were no words of love exchanged, but she knew he felt very deeply for her.  She had to admit that she felt something for him, too.

She’d loved Kaidan, and that had burned her.  She….came very close to something like love with Garrus, but she wasn’t so quick to give her heart out again.  And Garrus was more guarded than she was, not that she could blame him.

Shepard looked down at the information Anderson had provided - names, places, stats.  Tali was back with the fleet, now a ranked official.  Legion had gone back to the Geth.  Mordin was on Sur’Kesh.  Grunt had been given a spot with a handpicked company by Wrex.  Jacob and Miranda were off the grid, but alive.  Thane was alive, but even more ill, being treated at Huerta Memorial.  Jack had been offered a job by the Alliance, position undisclosed.  Zaeed was doing work, some Alliance jobs, on an undisclosed planet. Kasumi was alive, but that’s all Anderson could find.  And she already knew Liara was running the gig as the Shadow Broker.

And Garrus….was back on Palaven, working for the meritocracy.  He was alive and fighting.  Anderson wouldn’t tell her what Kaidan was doing, just that he was also okay.

Shepard put the datapad aside, laid back on her bed, and willed her eyes to close.

_I thought we had something, Shepard.  Something real.  I...I loved you._

_I just...I’ve seen so many things go wrong, Shepard.  My work at C-Sec, what happened with Sidonis.  I want something to go right.  Just once.  Just…_

If she ever got out of here, she had a reckoning to see through.


	4. Kaidan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pick your ending - if Shepard chooses to go back to Kaidan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My many, many thanks to Jalice for her superior beta skills.

* * *

**Kaidan**

“Was there something between you and Garrus?”

Regret, and its heavy hand, slapped her in the face. Shepard leaned forward and said, “Kaidan, I’m s- I’m sorry.” The moment the words left her mouth, she felt like an idiot. It wasn’t enough, just an apology. He was laying there, injured on her watch, and the hurt in his voice pierced her, solid and sharp.

She was still reeling from his accusations, more of them, on Mars. It had been like a gut punch to hear him doubt her…. **again** , but she knew he was giving her room to talk. And at the moment, they both needed that.

“Our fight on Horizon really threw me, Kaidan,” she said, the confession slipping out so easily. “You just shut me down. And I know what that must have looked like, me charging in wearing Cerberus armor with Garrus and a krogan at my back after being dead for two years but….you gave me nothing. The man I’d loved stood there and accused me of being a traitor. It broke me, Kaidan.” She pulled her head up to see him staring down at her. No judgment, no heat in those honey brown eyes. For once, he was looking at her with no expectations, no accusations ready to be hurled her way.

He simply wanted to know the truth. Her anger at him could be put aside to give him that much. “Garrus was there, Kaidan. A friend when I needed one. So yeah, something happened, but he and I didn’t make any promises to each other. And you and I...we were over. Final. You said as much in your email and I felt it.” She looked away then, pushing back pain and tears and sorrow. “Things can’t stay the same after so much death.”

Shepard felt warm fingers grasp her hand as Kaidan tugged her closer, nearly pulling her onto the bed. She made a startled noise and tried to pull back, instinct taking over, but he pulled again, drawing her as close as her chair and his hospital bed would allow.

“You’re right,” he said softly, “they can’t stay the same. We couldn’t stay the same.” Kaidan held her hand tightly, eyes boring into her as he said, “I just wanted the truth, and you gave it to me. It hurts, but it’s fair. More than fair.” He paused, bruised chest rising and falling a little faster as his words caught up to him. “I brushed you off, let you go, hurt you. And I’m so sorry for that. I can’t take back what I said, and I can’t hold any expectations over you.” He chuckled humorlessly, lips tipping up in a smile just for her benefit. “But just so you know….you and me, Shepard, we’re a team. No matter what. I’m not sure I was wrong about Cerberus, but I was wrong about you.”

He put her hand over his heart so she could feel the steady beat beneath his ribs, his even breaths, the warmth of his skin. “There never was anyone else for me, and there never will be. It’s always been you, Shepard.”

 

* * *

 

Having Garrus back on the Normandy was another reminder of her traitorous heart, and Shepard felt like a bastard for watching him walk to the gun battery and knowing it was good to have him aboard. Especially because she knew that talking to him was going to open up a line of dialogue she wasn’t sure she was ready to. But ducking her head in the metaphorical sand and hoping the problem went away on its own wasn’t going to help anyone.

And it wasn’t fair to Garrus - he was her friend, her best friend. They’d made no promises to each other. She cared for him, that was true. But Kaidan had gone and opened all the old wounds she thought she’d stitched up a long time ago. She didn’t know if she was ready to begin again with him, but she knew she couldn’t drag Garrus along, either. With any luck, he’d found some great turian lady while she’d been in lockup and this would be a non-issue.

 _Dammit, you’re being ridiculous_ , she thought, hesitating only for a moment before opening the door. He turned as she walked in, mandibles flaring in a grin when he saw it was her.

“You never manage to disappoint, Shepard,” he said in greeting, tossing aside the rag he’d been holding. “First Saren, then the Collectors, now the Reapers. You just keep giving me bigger targets to shoot at. It’s good to know you’re consistent, but really, you don’t need to show off for my sake.”

Despite the ache in her chest, she laughed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Garrus,” she said, leaning against the wall to watch him. “I don’t show off for anyone.”

“Uh huh. Tell that to the Harvester you shot down on Menae in a blaze of glory. I think you even impressed the new Primarch, and Victus is career military.” Garrus came close to her then, blue eyes gazing down at her as he grasped her hand. “But enough with the pleasantries. How are you, Shepard? It’s - it’s good to see you again.”

“Yeah, you too,” she replied, squeezing his hand, a part of her wishing he’d taken his armored glove off.

“Shepard, I-”

“Garrus-”

He let her hand go and laughed, scratching at the back of his neck in obvious discomfort. “Dammit, why is this so hard?”

She shrugged. “Probably because once you’ve seen each other naked, what else is there to say?”

That just made him laugh harder. “I just wanted you to know that I thought about you while you were gone and well….I’m not sure what the protocol on reunions is, Shepard, or if you even feel the same way about me.” His hand moved from his neck to his scarred mandible. “The scars are starting to fade. I know they drove you wild. I can go out and get all new ones, if it’ll help.”

The smile slid off her face as she lowered her eyes to the floor. It was only for a moment, the briefest span of time that her eyes left his, but when she looked back up, she saw realization on his face. “We never made any promises to each other, Garrus,” she said in explanation. The vise around her heart squeezed and it caught her breath, holding it in that dark space between her lungs.

“I know,” he replied after a long beat. “We didn’t. Some part of me hoped that we’d….be able to find our way back to each other, somehow. That maybe what we found with each other months ago was more than heat of the moment. More than just friends comforting each other.”

That made her smile a little. “Oh, I definitely think there was more than just heat of the moment involved, Garrus.” She reached up to put her hand on the back of his neck, at the base of his fringe. A comforting gesture, a way to soften the blow she was going to deliver, though part of her knew he was already okay with her words before she said them. “But we’re not destined, Garrus. This isn’t some great big love story where one of us, hell, maybe both of us get to play the heroes and sweep each other away after we win this thing. We found each other when we were supposed to, and then it all changed, like it always does.”

Shepard watched his blue eyes roam over her face, seeking understanding. She tried to give it to him when she said softly, “You’re my best friend, Garrus. I wouldn’t trade any moment with you for any other time with anyone else. But this war, with everything that’s going on - “ She sighed, cursing her need for honesty as he stared at her, hating that she couldn’t stop herself from saying, “Kaidan told me he loved me. I don’t know what to think about that. I don’t know what to think about a lot of this, but I do know that I can’t drag you through it, not when I care so much about you.”

“Shepard,” he said quietly, the roll of her name pulling her into his arms as he hugged her. “I would never fault you for wanting to figure some things out. What I do appreciate is your honesty.”

He pulled back a little to look at her before saying, “I can’t say that some part of me wasn’t hoping for an...enthusiastic reunion, but that’s probably just leftover tension from the battle and a little lust talking.” He peered down at her, mandibles flaring slightly as he said with a wicked chuckle, “I spent most of that time you were in lockup stuck in barracks and foxholes with a bunch of soldiers. Male soldiers, Shepard. Don’t get me wrong, turian men have their attractive qualities but….well, let’s just say you were a welcome sight on Menae.”

Her laughter bubbled up from her chest as she shoved him lightly. He let her go, watching her as she leaned up against the wall she had abandoned earlier. She felt better, but worry still gnawed at her. “You’re horrible. When did you get to be so horrible, Garrus?” He shrugged easily and she shook her head. “You’re really okay? You wouldn’t lie to me, right?”

“Never.” He peered closely at her, sharp eyes not missing the dark circles from her sleepless nights. “But shouldn’t I be asking you that question? The first one, not the second one.”

She gave a weak imitation of his effortless shrug. “You know how it is. Reapers. Harvesters.” Her eyes dropped to the floor. “I was on Earth when the Reapers hit, Garrus. Anderson stayed behind to lead the soldiers there. It was awful, all those people…”

She trailed off, caught up in the memory of explosions and gunfire and watching a friend and mentor stay behind to rally the forces left. Garrus watched her for a moment, unsure of what to say, and when he finally found any words, he felt like they didn’t do any justice to the helplessness he saw in her eyes. So he remembered the lesson he’d learned a year ago from her, comfort her the way she’d comfort you, and said, “We’ll win this thing, Shepard. You’ll find a way, and I’ll be right there with you.”

She looked up at him slowly, a half smile tipping her lips up before she said quietly, “You don’t know how much that means to me, Garrus.”

 

* * *

 

“Kaidan, I promise you, Udina’s behind this.”

“Shepard, I don’t know that he’s going to back down,” Garrus hissed in her ear, the clank of his armor as he shifted closer to her rattling her nerves.

“Shepard, this looks bad. Gun drawn on a councilor?” Kaidan leaned forward, body a tight line, putting himself directly between her gun and Udina. “What’s going on?”

“Udina’s behind the coup, Kaidan,” Liara said slowly, inching away from Shepard’s left.

“The salarian councilor confirmed it. Kaidan, please, you have to trust me on this.” Her voice was hard, her stance firm, but her eyes were begging for him to back down. She was practically pleading with him, but only he would recognize the look in her eyes. Kaidan, come on. Please. Trust me.

“Please,” Udina spat, “you have no proof. You never do.”

“We’ve mistrusted Shepard before and it did not help us,” Councilor Tevos warned, stepping next to Udina.

“Indeed,” added Sparatus, joining her.

“It’s almost like they’ve forgotten you saved their lives,” Garrus said quietly.

“Not. Helping.” Shepard said out of the corner of her mouth. “Kaidan, if you let Udina open that elevator, Cerberus is going to come charging in and Udina will be the one who made it possible.”

She wanted to scream at him, make him move, throw herself at him and knock him to the ground. Wanted to tell him how Udina’s actions had caused the certain death of a friend and the near death of another. Her grief over Thane, the panic over Bailey boiled under the surface but she pushed it down. If red crept into her gaze now, she could make a mistake. The situation hung on a bitter, fragile edge. No, I am not doing this again, she thought as her stare never wavered from Kaidan and Udina. I’m not losing him, too.

“Kaidan, you have to trust me on this,” Shepard said, her words tasting as desperate as she felt just as Udina started to move toward the elevator control console.

“This is ridiculous,” Udina spat as he reached for the controls.

Shepard almost missed Kaidan’s nod to her as he spun and aimed at Udina. Relief, clouded only by a little disappointment, flooded through her. “Back away from console, Udina. Now.”

The steel in his voice made Shepard’s hair stand on end and even Garrus shifted uneasily beside her.

“Shepard’s wrong,” Udina said, the venom in his voice thick. His hand crept closer to the door control and Tevos reached out to grab his forearm, only to be tossed away by the human councilor like a doll. Sparatus was at her side in an instant and Shepard moved closer as Kaidan advanced on Udina.

“One last warning, Udina,” Kaidan said, backing the councilor away from the console.

But Udina seemed oblivious to Kaidan’s words. Shepard watched, horrified, as Udina pulled a gun from his coat and started to wave it toward Kaidan. She moved to them, gun at the ready.

But Kaidan didn’t hesitate. He took the shot, hitting Udina square in the chest. One shot, and Udina was laying on the floor, gasping for air as he bled out.

Silence punctuated by the dying gasps of a traitor hung in the air as Kaidan slowly turned to stare darkly at Shepard. But the silence was cut off when the elevator doors pinged and everyone’s attention, and all the guns they had, refocused on the spinning green light mere feet from them.

“Kaidan?” Shepard stepped closer to him.

“Yeah, I’m good.” He shot a glance at her over his shoulder, his brown eyes not meeting hers.

The doors slid open, revealing Bailey and a handful of worse-for-wear C-Sec officers. Shepard instantly lowered her gun, as did her crew, and they ran to greet Bailey.

“I see you took care of things, Shepard. Nice to know we can rely on some people still,” Bailey said, his voice rougher than normal.

“Commander, Shepard said Udina was behind all of this, that Cerberus was targeting us,” Tevos said, a slight tremor in her voice. “What is going on?”

“Well, we got up here as fast as we could but it looks like your Cerberus friends already beat feet into the Keeper tunnels,” Bailey said to Shepard. He then turned to the two councilors and Kaidan and said with a small smile, “Hate to break it to you, Councilor, but Shepard just saved all your asses. Again. Councilor Valern has all the dirty details but suffice to say Udina was the one who let Cerberus sneak in the back door.”

“Then you have saved my life twice now, Shepard,” Sparatus said, looking down at her and her crew. “I owe you a personal favor, and one on behalf of Palaven. Expect to hear from me very soon. I’ll be sending more resources your way for the Crucible, as much as we can spare.”

Shepard watched, silent, as Bailey escorted the councilors away from the scene with reassurances and a watchful eye on the surroundings. A presence at her back - no, more like a feeling that made her shoulder blades twitch and her mind blank out - had her turning to find Kaidan watching her. He’d holstered his gun and was now keeping his hands busy gripping the railing near the elevator.

“Shepard,” Liara started, and Shepard waved her off.

“Head back to the Normandy, and have EDI send me updates on Thane. He didn’t look good when we left.”

Liara nodded once and left with Garrus in tow. Her friend, once lover, shot her a look she didn’t fully understand, but the hand he clasped briefly on her shoulder as he passed gave her what she needed.

“Kaidan,” she began, her voice steady as she approached him.

He let her come within a few feet before stopping her with a look. She froze, and the moment hung between them, laced with every possibility, and everything that had already happened. Every order given and followed. Every condolence. Every whispered promise. Every poisoned barb.

Shepard watched him stand there and say nothing, his eyes boring into her like he could see right through her. And she wondered if he really could, if he was looking for some truth or reality buried beneath the faded cybernetic scars and the custom Alliance armor, beyond the brown hair and thin lips and green eyes that were once red. Did he not see she was more than the sum of parts only visible to the outside? Did he not remember?

Gone were the scars he’d traced with a fingertip as she lay beneath him, and gone were the freckles he'd teased her about, then run his lips over. They’d burned up in atmo with the rest of her body. But the memories remained.

The woman remained.

“I keep apologizing to you, don’t I?” he finally said as he slowly moved toward her. “I’m sinking here, Shepard. Fast. It’s like, when I’m around you, my brain short-circuits and everything just floods in.” He stopped, grabbed her hand and pulled it to him. “Why is that?”

She swallowed hard, sure he could hear it, and replied, “No idea.”

He raised an eyebrow at that, the tiniest smile tugging at his lips. “I’m pouring my heart out, Shepard, and that’s all you’ve got for me?”

She cast a glance back at Udina’s body. “Well, it’s not exactly the best spot for this conversation.”

Kaidan flinched, dropped her hand. “Yeah, you’re right.” He motioned to the elevator. “And I should probably - “

“Yeah, I should probably, too.”

“We’ll talk later.”

“Later. You got it.”

Shepard watched his elevator disappear up the tube, waited a beat, and placed a call to the Normandy. She had a lot to do before she could even let herself think about “later”.

 

* * *

 

“Later” didn’t happen right away. It took three days. And the irony of that particular span of time didn’t go unnoticed by Shepard. By the time she got Kaidan settled on the Normandy, ran a few Cerberus bases into the ground, and found herself with a ship full of quarian admirals, she’d run aground somewhere between exhausted, frustrated, and pissed.

Thane was dead. Mordin was dead. Udina was dead, and rightfully so. And now she had a Cerberus assassin in her sights, Miranda playing hide-and-seek with the Illusive Man, the quarians trying to fight the geth AND the Reapers, and a potential Reaper killer that could possess people.

Dealing with Kaidan and “later” wasn’t high priority.

And the problem was, having Kaidan back on the Normandy was like putting a beacon just within range of her body. He called to her, from his brown eyes to his warm voice to the unmistakable way his off-duty uniform hugged his ass, she was pulled to him. And the bastard knew it. She was almost positive he moved within her line of sight - with his back turned - whenever he could.

Or her hormones were just out of control lately. Also possible. She wasn't discounting anything at this point.

Cortez had barely docked the shuttle and she, Vega, and Liara jumped off when Vega let loose a, "Woo, yeah! Lola, you badass! Never seen anything like that!"

Shepard rolled her gaze to Liara, who tucked her smile away as she brushed past them to head to the armor lockers. Shepard spun, put a hand up to stop Vega's forward motion, and said, "First it's Lola, now you're calling your commanding officer a badass. What's next, Lieutenant?" She leaned in, conscious of the other set of eyes watching her from across the docking bay as she said softly, "You ever gonna make good on all this flirting? A girl can only handle being teased so long before she...takes matters into her own hands."

Vega's eyes couldn't have gone any wider as he backpedaled. "Uh, uh...aw, hell, Shepard, why you gotta call me out like that, especially in front of L2? Now he's going to know when I'm bluffing at cards." He waited a beat, and Shepard could practically see the big man's wheels turning as he tried to find a way out of the situation he'd carved for himself. "But you know me, Lola, flirting's just my way of being friendly."

And he threw her a mega-watt smile, slugged her in the shoulder, and walked away. It was exactly what she had figured would happen, and she had barely turned her back before she heard in her ear, "So, you treat all your lieutenants that way, or is Vega special, Shepard?"

Shepard bit back a smile, finished unclasping her greaves, and turned to see Kaidan leaning against the metal work table where she'd laid her pistols. "Oh, he's special. You haven't seen him out in the field yet. For a man that big, he can certainly move. It's impressive."

Lieutenant Alenko might have blinked at that comment, maybe paused before saying something measured and non judgmental, even though his mind would be churning and his face reflecting the conflict. Major Alenko, the Spectre, had mastered the art of conveying nothing behind those brown eyes. Shepard didn't get so much as a flicker of a smile as he replied, "Trying to make me jealous?"

Shepard swallowed a grin before decompressing her chest plate, unhooking it, and tossing it on the table, loving the way it clanged as it hit inches from him. "Got a reason to be jealous, Kaidan? Last I checked, you didn't."

He didn't move, but Shepard caught the way his breathing quickened just a little. Silence gathered around them as she started to pull off the rest of her armor, which she broke by saying, "You mind?"

He gave a one-shouldered shrug. "Nothing I haven't seen before."

Shepard stopped, mid-pull on her boot, to laugh. "What, did you watch a bunch of bad vids before coming down here? I thought Spectre Alenko was smoother than 'Nothing I haven't seen before'. And actually," she said, kicking the boot off to walk over to him, "you haven't. This is version two, Kaidan. This is a body perfected. You have no idea what that looks like."

He looked down at her, facade cracking slightly as he replied, “I think I can remember my way around, given the chance.”

She scoffed at that, memory rising up from the ashes, mixing old passions with old wounds. She thought she could put their past to bed, move forward. Kaidan might have meant to be flirty, even romantic, but those words from his mouth sounded challenging, like a dare.

Maybe moving forward meant eschewing her norm. And her norm was to be understanding, even apologetic if the situation called for it. But part of her still hurt, still rang hollow from his bitter accusations and even though she knew he’d meant every word at the hospital and he trusted her enough to back down at the Citadel, doubt lingered. And it couldn’t stay if they were to move on. Her plan for “later” didn’t involve a thrown-down conversation in the armory, but she was flexible.

Shepard squared her shoulders, met his gaze head on. “The form might be the same, but all those memories you have wouldn’t hold up, Kaidan.” She brushed a hand down her side. “This is a Cerberus build, remember?”

Kaidan’s eyes flared hot at that comment and he stepped toward her, so close she could feel the tension vibrating off him. “I don’t get it,” he said, low and in her ear, “one minute you’re flirting with me, hard, and the next you make some short remark about Cerberus, like you don’t want me to forget all the things I said to you. Trust me, I don’t forget.” He trapped her eyes with his, not touching her, but he didn’t need to in order to hold her captive. Or so he thought.

She sidestepped him, kicking her discarded armor aside. “Maybe I’m still not completely sure where you stand on it all, Kaidan,” she said, tossing the remark over her shoulder. “Maybe I’m not sold on your party line yet.”

She didn’t bother to gauge his reaction, didn’t need to. A hand caught her arm, spun her, and instinct had her yanking free. “Don’t,” she said, her jaw set so hard her teeth ached. “Just...don’t, Kaidan.”

He stepped back, burned. “Did I make a mistake, coming back to the Normandy?” he asked quietly after a moment. “Was this a bad idea, Shepard?”

She smiled and it tasted overripe. “You’re used to me bending, maybe even breaking against everyone else’s will, Kaidan. I’ve fought and died and fought again for everyone else and I’ve lost so much and now….now that I’m not sure of things, you’re ready to pull out? To just leave?” She shook her head, unable to look at him. “Heaven forbid Commander fucking Shepard have a moment of doubt. And listen to me, I sound pathetic. There’s a war going on, people are dying, and I’m flinching because the man I’ve always loved makes me feel like I don’t know my own mind.”

She left him there, watching after her as she got into the elevator. “And no, Kaidan,” she said just before the doors shut on her, “it wasn’t a mistake for you to come back aboard.”

 

* * *

 

She found her answers later, staring at a picture of the three of them from the SR-1. If Ash had been with her, she’d have told Shepard she was right, that Kaidan had some serious groveling to do. But she’d also give Shepard a talking to as well, calling out her bullshit. And then she’d tell them to work it out, with a good fight, and get back to the war.

Ash had always been good for calling people out on their bullshit.

 _God, I’m maudlin tonight_ , Shepard thought as she stared at the empty glass on her desk. _Whiskey, not helping._

Her console flashed and she squinted at the screen. A slightly grainy Kaidan was outside her door, shifting from foot to foot like he was nervous. Good, he should be, she thought as she eyed the whiskey bottle longingly.

The console flashed again and she sighed, spinning the glass a few times in indecision before pushing up out of her chair and heading for the door. A moment of doubt passed, leaving cold in its wake, before she unlocked her door and said, “If you want to talk, get in here. But don’t expect me to be sober.”

“Hello to you, too,” he said to her retreating back as she slid into the shadows of her cabin. Kaidan was going to follow, but a shimmer, something silvery and bright, caught his eye as he walked by her desk and he paused to look. By the time he reached her, object in hand, she had given into temptation and was fully reclined on her couch, booted feet propped on her table, full glass in hand.

She waved a hand at the bottle on the shelf beside her. “It’s there if you want some.”

Kaidan paused, then shrugged and said, “Yeah, what the hell.” He grabbed the bottle with his free hand, planted himself beside her on the couch, and drank.

“Since when did you go all uncivilized, Alenko?” Shepard asked, snorting to hide a laugh as he took another drink straight from the bottle.

“Since I stopped giving a fuck,” he replied after swallowing the last mouthful, enjoying the burn of fairly good whiskey. “Damn, Shepard, where did you get this?”

“Pinched it from Anderson’s apartment.”

“You mean your apartment.”

She winced. “You heard about that?”

He held the bottle up and squinted, examining the contents. “Yeah, I did. I’m pretty sure Anderson left you that apartment and he meant it.”

“Damn.”

Kaidan chuckled at that. “Hey, I hope you weren’t drinking because of this.”

Shepard glanced down and saw he was holding the framed picture of the three of them - her, him, and Ash - in his other hand. She swallowed hard, her throat suddenly hot and itchy, and shook her head. “No, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t help matters.”

He put the bottle down on the table and leaned back, bringing the picture up to eye level. “Man, I miss her.”

“Me, too.” She smiled, a quick fleeting thing that he felt its loss like a hole in the heart. “Just before you knocked, I was looking at this and thinking, ‘What would Ash tell me to do?’”

Kaidan ran his thumb over the picture, glanced over at Shepard and wished he could do the same thing to her lips. “About us, you mean?”

“Yeah, about us.” She chuckled softly. “I came to the rather astute conclusion she’d call us out on our collective bullshit, tell us to fight it out, and then go back to the war.”

He continued rubbing, a gentle, circular motion that Shepard was finding distracting. “Mmm. Sounds like Ash - no bullshit, just facts.”

He put the picture to rest on the table beside the whiskey bottle and turned to look at her, hand reaching for hers. “What you said earlier? You were right….again. I keep messing this up, Shepard, keep getting my head on just crooked enough to keep myself out of alignment. Every time I see you, I flash back to Horizon, and it’s like reliving those two years without you all over again.” Kaidan took a shuddering breath, squeezing her hand. “I want to get past this.”

“So do I,” she said, and found the words came easily to her. She squeezed his hand back, reassurance, comfort. Love. “We might have a long road ahead of us, and we’re kind of in the middle of a war - “

“Kind of?”

She smiled at that. “But if you’re willing to try, so am I.”

Shepard took a deep breath, prepared the words of apology she’d been mulling over for an hour, and then Kaidan leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “Shepard.”

And she fell, hard. Light exploded behind her eyes when his mouth found hers and all the memories she had of him were replaced with new ones. What had been no longer was, and the present obliterated the past as quickly as it occurred.

For them, every moment from hereon out was worth remembering. The past had no hold any longer.

 

* * *

 

The moments he relived were mostly happy ones. But the one he couldn’t shake was when she’d looked up at him, bright and dazzling as a sun, fierce and beautiful and deadly and so determined to end the war that she’d race into a beam and leave him behind as battle horns deafened and bullets flew overhead.

Rationally, now, he knew he wouldn’t have made it. He probably would have gotten her killed before she made it all the way but he still relived that moment right before she turned away, right after she said, “I love you, Kaidan,” and looked at him with such passion that it left him speechless.

He was a fool to think she’d make it back.

When Hackett called him two days later, sounding weary and stricken, he knew the worst had come. They’d found her body. But instead, Hackett’s weariness gave way to a delight, almost disbelief that Commander Shepard was still alive - barely. Found under a pile of rubble and hardly showing any signs of life at all, he wanted Kaidan to know, and that she was being well taken care of.

Three days passed before he was allowed to see her battered, broken body, her bruised, beautiful face, and he heard her say, “Kaidan” just as he entered the room. And his heart soared.


	5. James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pick your ending - if Shepard and James fall for each other.

**James**

  
“Think you can dance and talk at the same time?”

“I think I can handle it.”

Shepard caught the tiny grin on Vega’s face as the big marine responded, “Okay, Lola.  Let’s dance.”

She huffed out a laugh and put her fists up.  “Don’t let my good looks fool you, Vega.  I’ve got my share of scars.”

Shepard threw a couple of easy punches, which he blocked.  Vega laughed as her hits landed on his forearms.  “Don’t we all.”  He threw a jab at her and she caught it on the bicep.  “You know, you remind me of my old CO.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”  Vega ducked as her fist came whistling at him.  “Captain Tony. He was a hardass son of a bitch, but a good leader.”

Shepard dodged his next punch and straightened, her eyes narrowed. Something about the man’s tone was almost...wistful and that wasn’t a word she’d attribute to him.  “Was?”  

His next words came out individually, almost sentences themselves. “Died.  With most of my squad.”  Vega’s stare hardened, focused on her and she recognized that look.  She’d seen it right before he charged an enemy.  His entire body tensed as he squared his hips to take her head-on.  “Protecting a civilian colony from a Collector attack.”

The next hit nearly bounced off her jaw and she just missed it.  “And the colony?”

Vega leaned toward her, readying another attack.  She could barely get her arms up in time to stop his blows.  “It was either them, or the intel we had on the Collectors.  Intel we could have used -” Shepard’s counter attack cut him off but he shook her away like she was a toy. “ - we could have to destroy them!”

He pulled his arm back and said, “I chose the intel,” right before he swung.  She neatly sidestepped the punch she’d seen coming - or heard coming - from a mile away and lowered her fists for a moment. “That’s a tough call.  Sorry.”

Vega snorted, scooted closer to her, and launched back into their dance.  “The best part?  We didn’t even need the intel in the end because you were out there taking down the entire Collector homeworld.  Commander Shepard, Earth’s biggest hero, blowing everyone up.”

Shepard nearly rolled her eyes but didn’t want to offend the man.  She threw three quick punches, landing two, and said,  “You made a call. You can’t blame yourself, Vega.”

He blocked her third punch and landed one of his own before saying, “Who says I’m blaming myself?”

Shepard tipped her head at him.  “Just a guess.”

His hands lowered a fraction of an inch.  “You a shrink, too?  I missed that on the vids.”

She took the opening and hit him square on the chin.  “No.  But that stunt back on Mars was reckless, stupid.”  He needed to understand what he’d risked, what his anger and his doubt risked when his head wasn’t in the game. “You’re lucky to be alive.”

He had the audacity to look shocked at the heat in her voice.  “So?”

Shepard moved quickly, putting her full weight behind the next hit, which he sloppily blocked.  The hit rocked him off balance and she took the advantage.  “So - maybe you don’t care whether you live - “ and she attacked again, landing another punch, “or die.”

Vega came right at her, anger on his features for the first time since their little dance had begun.   His hit knocked her back a step but she took it.  “Or maybe I’m just willing to do whatever the fuck it takes to end this goddamn war!”

 _Here endth the lesson_ , Shepard thought as she ducked, grabbed the man around his waist, and flipped him.  He landed hard on the metal floor of the shuttle bay and looked up at her, brown eyes dazed and a little shocked.

“Maybe you are, Lieutenant.”  She let him lay there for a second to get his bearings, to understand what had just happened, before offering him her hand.  “But if you’re half as good as I think you, we need you alive.” Shepard hauled Vega to his feet but didn’t let go of his hand.  “I need you alive.  There’s a galaxy to save.”

Vega’s hand was warm in hers and he slid his grip down and into a handshake.  “Need me?  Is that a compliment, Lola?”

He could crush her hand if he wanted to but he was holding it properly, a genuine handshake, and she looked at him in the dim light of the shuttle bay.  Hesitation was playing about his features.  “Yeah, Vega, need you.  If we’re going to have any shot in hell at winning this...how did you put it?  Goddamn war?”

Vega withdrew his hand from hers and put it on the back of his neck. “Yeah, sorry about that.  Got a little carried away, heat of the moment.”

Shepard crossed her arms and smiled slightly at him.  She liked Vega, had from the moment Anderson had put the young soldier in charge of her when she was in lockup. She just hadn’t expected to be the commanding officer to whip him into shape.  “Understandable, it happens to us all.”  She moved toward him, finger pointed at his chest. “But crash my shuttle again and you’ll be answering to more than just Lieutenant Cortez.  Got it?”

Vega straightened, eyes a little wide, and said, “Yes, ma’am.”

Shepard walked by him, chuckling, but stopped and turned when he said, “Hey, Lola, thanks for the pep talk.”

“Any time.”  She raised an eyebrow at him.  “Lola, huh?”

He shrugged.  “You look like a Lola.”

“There a story behind that, Vega?”

“Maybe.”  He gave her a one-sided grin.  “Maybe not.”

This time she did roll her eyes.  “Just never in front of my COs, all right?”  Vega nodded and started to walk toward his workstation but froze when she said, “Oh, and Vega?  Next time, I’m not pulling my punches.  Cortez is my witness.”

She could hear Cortez stifling his laughter at the stunned look on Vega’s face while she walked to the elevator.  
  


* * *

 

“Hell of a thing, Commander.”

Shepard jerked her head up as she stepped into the elevator.  Her thoughts had been swirling around a sickly Thane, a nearly comatose Kaidan, and the distinct impression she’d smell like hospital - antiseptic and medigel and rubber gloves - for the rest of the day.

Seeing Vega leaning against the elevator’s far wall, like he was waiting on her...expecting her, was not information she could easily process.  

He was also not a welcome distraction, either.

The bottle of beer Garrus promised to buy her at Apollo’s was waiting, so she wanted whatever Vega had on his mind to get aired out as quickly as possible.  She stepped inside, punched in the Presidium, and leaned into the opposing corner.

And she raised an eyebrow at him, waiting.

Damn the man, he didn’t move, didn’t waiver.  Just kept looking at her, steady with almost no expression.  Finally, he said, “Alenko got pretty smashed up out there.  Heard you had another friend in the hospital, too.”  Before she could ask, he said, “Doc said an old teammate was there, that you were going to visit him.  She didn’t say it to me, I just overheard.”  Vega shifted slightly, toward her.  “Sorry you had to deal with both.”

“You getting at something, James?”

He shrugged, a movement that Shepard almost hysterically thought looked like mountains being shook by an earthquake.   _Dear god, if the Alliance ever wants DNA to clone for supersoliders…._   “Just that I get it. Losing teammates and everything.  That never gets any easier.”  Vega looked down at his boots for a minute, then pulled his head up and met her eyes.  “You let me vent a few days ago and I wanted to say I appreciate it, Lola.  For the space, and for not knocking my head off, even if I deserved it.”

The elevator pinged their arrival at the Presidium and James pried himself away from the corner.  “I promised Joker I’d meet him for drinks. I’ll see you back on the Normandy, Lola.”  And he winked and left, arms swinging, massive shoulders relaxed as he turned left, then was gone from her line of sight.

Shepard stared after him, torn between befuddlement and bewilderment, spiced with more than a little curiosity about the man who rarely called her by rank but seemed to have more respect for her than just about anyone else she’d ever met.

When she arrived at Apollo’s, Garrus had already claimed a far table and had two beers waiting, the bottles sweating in the slightly humid manufactured air.  She said hello, threw herself into a chair, and stared at the scratched tabletop until Garrus cleared his throat loudly.  “Huh?” she said, jerking her head up to look at him.

His mandibles twitched in amusement, blue eyes watching her closely as he replied, “You were doing a rather good impression of a statue there, Shepard.  Something on your mind, cause your beer is getting warm.  It’d be a shame to let my hard-earned credits go to waste.”

Shepard rolled her eyes, but took a pull from the bottle before answering.  “It’s…”  The image of James leaving the elevator, coupled with her leaving her friends in the hospital to uncertain fates, had her pausing.  She gave Garrus a steady stare, then said, “It’s complicated.”

Garrus tipped his bottle at her.  “What in this messed up universe isn’t? I won’t pry, Shepard, but if you need a friend, I’m here.”

Shepard leaned back in her chair and smiled slightly.  “Yeah, I know, Garrus.”  She reached across the table and squeezed his free hand. “Thanks.”

“Any time.”  
  


* * *

 

A single image - blood splattered on rusted metal - woke Shepard in the middle of her night cycle.  She sat upright, eyes wide, chest heaving, fingers digging into the sheets.  She couldn’t remember what she had been dreaming about, but that image of blood was stuck, imprinted on her mind.  It rang hollow and sickly, like bells after an Earth funeral, and she felt queasy as she stood.

The next few hours were restless.  She couldn’t sleep, not when her mind burned so and her nerves felt fried, but she had nothing to keep her occupied.  They were headed out to a hidden Cerberus base and it would be hours before she had to rouse the crew, hours before she had to prepare gear.

Time enough to probably prep half the armory if she started now.

She threw on old utility pants and a clean tank, half-assed tying her boots, and didn’t bother with the mirror as she grabbed her hair into a sloppy ponytail.  The ship was running on skeleton crew right now and she’d be able to sneak down to the armory without passing anyone. The one person she might see lurking about would be EDI, since the AI didn’t sleep, and it’s not like EDI would care about her appearance.

Hopefully.

She was almost disappointed when her trip to the armory proved uneventful.  The Normandy was eerie, virtually deserted with so many crewmen asleep or occupied.  The ship made almost no noise, flying silently through the galaxy to their next destination.  

So when Shepard stepped off the elevator and into the dimly lit armory, she brought up all the lights first thing.   _All the better to see my work with_ , she told herself.   _It has nothing to do with being spooked by your own ship and your nightmares._

When Shepard reached the armor lockers, she yanked one open, looked in, and instantly felt guilty.  Vega had everything organized down to labels for each teammate’s specifications, and from the look of the chestpiece she was staring at, every piece was in perfect working order.

“Dammit,” she said under her breath, slamming the door shut.  There was no way she could start tearing the man’s work apart just because she needed to do something.

Shepard shot a hopeful glance over at the weapons bench, remembering the items they’d picked up on Menae.  Garrus had joked that the weapons were almost as good as getting him, and she’d slugged him in the shoulder despite his armor and told him how glad she was to see him.  The light in his eyes had been warm, but not hopeful.  He’d known the score when she’d told him her plan after their attack on the Collector base.

 _Meant every word, big guy_ , she thought as she walked over and started pulling out the parts and pieces Vega kept stored below.  

Shepard was staring intently at the burned-out stability dampener on an Argus when the sound of footsteps made her whirl around, half-built gun in hand.  Vega froze, hands in front of him, to ward her off.  

“Whoa, Lola!”  He took in the sight of his disheveled, slightly sweaty commander and fought back several responses - one serious, two smartass, and one very flirty - before simply asking, “Need any help?”

Shepard blinked rapidly, peering at him in the intensely bright light for a moment, then said, “Damn thing’s stuck.”

Vega didn’t laugh, didn’t so much as hesitate as he walked over to her, took the gun from her hands, and with one sharp hit from the palm of his hand, disengaged the dampener.  The twisted, burnt piece of metal fell to the floor, the clang echoing in the big room.  

They both looked down, then at each other.  Shepard broke the silence first.  “That works.”

“Yep.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem, Lola.”  His reply was casual and he took his time handing back the gun.  Vega was close enough to get a good look at her now and he saw exhaustion and frustration written in the fine lines on her face, but anyone with half a brain could see that.  The damn war had everyone just a little worn out.  But the messy hair, the half-tied boots, the sheen on her skin all spoke of something else.

Fear.  Doubt.  The uneasy mind of someone who had to present, at all times, a solid front.

Yeah, she wasn’t fooling him.  He knew that look, knew the pain and the remorse behind it.  It was why she was down here in the middle of a night cycle trying to fix a gun he’d given up on in the first ten seconds he’d laid eyes, and hands, on it.

She needed to do something, anything, to stop from thinking about what she was losing.  And what she’d lost.  He understood that.  There was only so much you could do when it was just you and four walls and nothing but your thoughts running at full speed and everything around you was cold and dark.  Doing anything to keep you busy was better than waiting on sleep that would never come.

Shepard took the gun from him, smiling stiffly.  “Thanks, lieutenant.”

Vega cracked a grin at that.  “Oh, so formal now.  Am I going to have to stop calling you Lola?”

Shepard shook her head instead of answering and headed back to the weapons bench.  Vega followed her and watched as she valiantly tried to save the Argus.  Finally, she slammed the gun down and turned on him.  “Are you going to just stand there and watch, or are you going to help?”

“Well, I was going to help,” he replied, leaning a hip against the bench, “but you and that gun seemed to be in some kind of battle of wills and I didn’t want to get caught in the middle.  Friendly fire, ya know.”

Shepard put her hands on the edge of the bench and hung her head, ducking her eyes and her grin out of his view.  He hated she was doing that.  But he heard her chuckle, a deep, velvet sound that slipped inside him and made the sensitive spot between his shoulder blades twitch. “You trying to tell me the gun and I were supposed to go seven rounds? Could have saved me the hassle and just let me know you tried to fix it earlier.”

“Nah.  Then I wouldn’t have seen you sweat, Lola.”

That made her pick her head up and look at him, eyes a little wider than normal, mouth turned up just enough to make him curious.   _Can I get her to smile?  Really smile, not that tight-lipped thing she does as she passes people in the halls._

He shook his head against the rogue thought, a little jerky movement Shepard found odd.  But she was too tired to make much of it, and verbally sparring with Vega was almost as exhausting as physically jabbing at him.  “You’ve seen me sweat already,” she said mildly as she shoved the Argus to the side of the bench and reached for a less-battered scope.

“True, but that was just a dance.  No pressure.  I knew you could handle it.”

Her hand slipped over the end of the scope.  It dropped onto the bench with a clang and she reached for it, but Vega was there, his big hand closing over the scope and turning it to her.  Shepard looked up, expected to see him grinning at her, and found her lieutenant studying her.

It was a quiet look, one that bespoke of the intelligence she knew lay hidden behind the bravado and humor.  She’d seen his wit and charm early on, when he’d been assigned as her guard.  And Shepard had known soldiers like him, who put on a front to help them cope.  But more than that, she knew  _men_  like him, the ones who hid heart and soul, buried them beneath shields of dirt and bad jokes and big guns.  They were the ones who never wavered, never doubted...once you earned their respect.  And it was a hard-won battle, but worth the fight.

The look in his eyes stilled her, even as she took the scope from him. Shepard felt like he was turning her over and inside-out, just to see if he could be certain of her.  If all her parts and pieces fit together closely enough to make the whole.

It was a long moment, but she felt it sink into her, and release something lodged far too close to her heart.

“So if the dance didn’t make me sweat, what do you think will?” she finally asked, voice softer than before.

Vega dropped his hands, stepped back.  The moment broke.  “I have a few ideas,” he said.  “I’ll leave you to your….project, Lola.”

Shepard watched as he left, his figure disappearing into the dark of the ship just outside the armory.  When she looked back down at the weapons bench, the guns and stability dampener and scope just didn’t seem all that important anymore.  
  


* * *

 

“You have to get to the hammers, Shepard!”

Shepard charged forward, ducking the Brute charging straight at her. “There’s a Reaper in my way, Wrex!”

“Shepard, go, we’ve got this one!” Garrus yelled as he and Vega split, confusing the Brute long enough for Garrus to slap a sticky charge on its back.  Shepard nodded once, turned, and ran as fast as her full load of weapons would let her.  The explosion behind her and Vega’s triumphant whoop told her the Brute had been taken care out.

She reached the walkway to the first maw hammer, sidestepping a Brute’s vicious swing, and was blown backwards when the Reaper’s leg came down in front of her.  “Dammit!”

“Shepard, you okay?”  Garrus had enough breath in him to sound concerned, even as she heard the telltale pops of his sniper rifle.

“Yeah, goddamn Reapers!” she growled into the comm as she ducked underneath the gigantic metal leg.  “Remind me to find a way to kill one of these bastards without needing a Thresher Maw."

“If anyone could do it, Lola, it’d be you,” James said between pants and eruptions of gunfire.

“Copy that, lieutenant,” she replied before hitting the first hammer.  “Just hold them off for a few more seconds - “

She spun and met the end of a Brute’s fist.  The blow blew her backwards and onto the ground.  Her gun skittered away and she felt the Brute’s footsteps vibrate through her ribs as it loomed ominously over her.

Head spinning, blood in her mouth, Shepard struggled to stand. Everything blurred together, and for one bright, terrifying moment, she knew that last thing she’d see was the snarling, foaming mouth of a Reaper Brute.

When she looked up, Vega was there, armored hands reaching for her, pulling her up.  She barely heard him shouting into the comm (hers had gone out on impact), didn’t feel him pull her helmet off.

Her eyes were clouded, her ears plugged and a ring of pain was starting to form around her skull.   _I wouldn’t be standing if my skull was split open, so I must not be dead._   The thought came drunkenly.  Shepard felt laughter bubbling up but as she took a breath, she caught sight of Vega’s eyes on her and the thoughts, and the laughter, died instantly.

“We’re getting that other hammer, Shepard,” he said sharply.  And with one arm around her, the other holding his gun, he half dragged her across the arena’s dusty expanse, in full view of the Reaper.  Her head swam, her thoughts and feelings all jumbled together in one tangled mass of pain and confusion.

One eye was swelling shut, the other refused to work properly but Shepard was starting to hear more noise - gunfire, Garrus reporting back to Wrex, the sound of turian fighters overhead.  And as the second mawl hammer came into view, she used what she had left to shove out of Vega’s grip, lurch forward, and smash her fist down onto the lever.

The ground shook, Kalros roared, and then Shepard lost sight of everything.  
  


* * *

 

“Hey, Doctor, I think she’s waking up.”

“Finally.  I was worried we wouldn’t see her rise for a few days.”

“This is Shepard we’re talking about.”

“Yes, it is, lieutenant.  But even she’s not invincible.”

Shepard’s mind registered several things at once - two voices, one clearly Vega’s; the give of the mattress under her back as she took a stuttering breath in; the cold of the room on her face while the rest of her was warm.

_Vega.  Chakwas.  Med Bay.  Normandy._

Upon that realization, Shepard forced her eyes to crack open.  She saw Vega and Chakwas standing near her, watching her.  Chakwas had a datapad in hand, Vega was standing rigidly, arms crossed tightly over his chest.  As her eyes cleared, she saw Chakwas sigh heavily then smile, just a little.

“Shepard, if you can understand me, can you try talking?”

She nodded once, grimaced against the pull of stitches somewhere near her temple.  “Yeah, I hear you, Karin.”  She took a deep breath again, then coughed.  Her voice the second time around was all the more hoarse for it.  “Just...try not to talk so loudly.  It kind of sounds like you’re right in my ear.”

Vega and Chakwas exchanged a look but it lasted only a second.  It wasn’t long enough to worry Shepard, so she let it pass.  Chakwas leaned over her to press a few buttons on the monitor nearby, then said, “Good enough.  Shepard, I’m running a last batch of tests but from what I can tell, that hit you took to the head gave you a nasty concussion.  You’ve been out for almost five hours.”  Karin nodded at Vega.  “I’ll be right back.  Keep an eye on her.”

“You got it, Doctor.”  Shepard heard footsteps, then the quiet swish of the Med Bay doors.  She tried to turn her head, but the world came flying at her when she did and her stomach lurched.  

“Probably shouldn’t try to move yet, Lola.  Doctor Chakwas said if your tests came back okay, she’d let you go back to your cabin once you felt well enough to stand.”

Shepard met his eyes over the blankets heaped on her.  “Then help me get up.”

Vega broke his stance to put one hand on her bed.  Not on her, but close.  “Yeah, I don’t think that’s such a good idea.  Some of the stuff Chakwas was saying about that hit you took sounded pretty bad.  I think we should wait for her.”

Shepard’s right hand clawed the mattress, found purchase, as she replied, “Yeah, and I think I’m your commanding officer and your commanding officer wants to get the hell out of the Med Bay.”  Her left hand followed suit.  “So help me up.”

She saw the war on his face - duty, orders, concern, slight tinge of fear (of her or Chakwas, she wasn’t sure) - but something like determination made him grind his teeth before he reached down and pulled her covers back.  A big, warm hand enveloped her right wrist, then he ducked down and carefully pulled on her right arm while sliding his other arm beneath her.

“Might want to close your eyes, Lola.  I’ve had my fair share of concussions and the world spins at first.  Made me throw up the first time it happened.”

She did as he suggested but used his force and her strength, what little there was of it, to push forward.

Vega caught her, helped her find her feet on the floor, and as Shepard looked around, she realized all the pain she was expecting,  _anticipating and bracing for_ , wasn’t there.  She turned a confused glare to Vega and he smirked.  “Doctor Chakwas gave you some quality stuff, Lola.  She said the pain will come but for now, you have to stay awake.”  He shrugged and Shepard moved with him.  “Concussions are a bitch.”

Shepard let out a snort, something that sounded like a rusty laugh, and that made her lieutenant grin.  “And you would know.”

He dipped his head at her.  “I would.”  Vega’s hands on her shoulder and waist helped her turn around to face the Med Bay doors.  “All right, if you’re not staying here and I have to face the wrath of the Doctor, where are we going?”

Shepard shuffled to the edge of the bed and Vega let her go, but stood so close she’d bump into him if she lost her footing.   _More like he’s close enough to catch me if I fall._   She’d be offput by the silent gesture in any other situation, but right now, she took comfort in it.

With Vega standing so close to her, she couldn’t fall and split her skull open.  Then she’d have to hear Karin admonish her about not following doctor’s orders.

That rationalization safely locked in place, Shepard moved toward the door, one slow step at a time.  And Vega was right behind her.

The ship was quiet, only a few crew members standing round on break. They saluted her as she and Vega went by but no one said a word. They just watched their commander - injured, beaten - be helped into the elevator by the arms master.  The elevator doors slid shut and Shepard blew out a breath.

Vega looked sharply at her and she gave him a wan smile.  “That sucked.”

“Oh, come on, Lola.  It wasn’t that bad.”  He leaned against the wall, still so close to her but he didn’t touch her again.  “Did you see their faces? They were relieved.”

She put a hand to her forehead and rubbed between her eyebrows. “Yeah, that’s inspiring.  Thank god our commander isn’t dead, but she looks like hell.”

“Well, you look awfully good for someone who’s just survived a punch from a Reaper Brute.”

Her head turned to the right and up to look at him as her hand came down to her chin.  Two of her fingers slid up to her cheekbone and back down.  “Cerberus does good work, I’ll give them that.  You’d never know I was nothing but a pile of bones and scattered ash before they got ahold of me.”

 _Wrong thing to say_ , her mind flared in alarm as she took in Vega’s startled look.  It passed over his face, then settled into a stony mask and he turned his gaze to the smooth elevator doors.  

The rest of the elevator ride was silent.  And Vega didn’t say anything as he watched her walk to her cabin and punch in her security code.  He didn’t say anything as she motioned him inside, silently accepting that if she was going to be outside the Med Bay, he was staying with her.   _For my own good.  If I fall asleep, Karin will have my head._

Shepard noted the message light on her terminal flashing, but she couldn’t imagine reading right now.  She couldn’t fathom anything at all but sitting on her couch and staring at her fish tank, wiping away all thought.  If she focused, she might even forget Vega was in the room.

So she concentrated on doing that - sitting, staring, not looking at Vega. The blue light from the fish tank was soothing on her eyes compared to the harsh white lights of the Med Bay.  Vega became nothing more than a large, dark shadow on the edges of her sight.  

Her whole world felt tilted.  It had to be the concussion and whatever concoction of meds Karin had pumped into her to block the pain and nausea that would come, but Shepard realized something else was off. Her normally chatty lieutenant was silent, unmoving in the hard chair he’d taken from her desk and spun so he could face her.  Watch her.

She blinked and a blue halo from the fish tank appeared in her vision. And she remembered he’d been like this before, months ago, when he’d been unsure of her.  He had the power, the authority over her, over her movements, but she was  _Commander Shepard_.  The pull of his own awe, and respect, had generated a few quiet days in the beginning.

And she’d broken him open with a question framed as a demand.

“So, tell me about yourself, Lieutenant Vega.”

The words fell from her lips easily, just like they had the first time.  But his reaction was entirely different.

“You sure you’re okay, Shepard?  Maybe we shouldn’t have moved you from the Med Bay.”

Shepard slowly turned her whole body to look at him.  Vega was sitting not pin straight in the chair like she’d expected, but hunched over, elbows resting on his knees, his eyes boring into her.  The shadowy corner he’d picked and the light from the fish tank warred with each other, creating a fine white outline around his form.  But Shepard could see the heat in his eyes, the rigid line of his jaw, the way one fist was closed around the other.

And she felt like hell all over again.  Everything she knew about James Vega was summed up in the way he was looking at her, how he was holding himself in his chair.  It went beyond worry for a commanding officer, or even concern for a friend.

Fear had a funny way of showing up on people.  On Vega, his worry and his fear emulsified on his body.  Never in his voice.  

“This might sound strange,” she murmured, not trusting her voice to stay steady, “but I’m okay and I’m not.”  Her hand gripped the back of the couch, fingers sinking into the cushion.  Vega stayed quiet, watching her with those dark eyes.  “I was remembering when we first met and you were so quiet.  I thought it was just my reputation, I’d gotten used to people not talking about me until my back was turned.”  She smiled a little at him.  “But you came in my room, all proper Alliance salute and ‘Yes ma’am’, ‘No ma’am’ and I thought maybe you were a stickler for protocol.”

Vega coughed at that, trying to hide the quirk of his lips.  She saw it and pushed on.  “But I asked you to tell me about yourself and you did - where you grew up, why you enlisted, your first assignment.  And I saw someone proud to be Alliance, proud to be a soldier.  But I also saw you, James.  I remember thinking, that man will make one hell of a soldier, even if he is a little impulsive and cocky.  Because soldiers at their best, and at their worst, don’t let their minds do all the thinking.” She tapped her chest with a finger.  “The heart gets in the way, and sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.  God knows I’ve made more mistakes, and more friends, following my heart.”

Vega studied his hands for a moment, then looked up.  “So, what do you do when it gets in the way, and you don’t see a road around it?”

“You can ignore it, build a wall around it.  But that will just make things worse.  Ignore too long, and you’ll just regret.  I’d rather listen to my heart and take the chance that I might burn.  At least I’ll know I never stopped from living.  Even if listening to my heart kills me.”  The words slipped so easily from her Shepard didn’t realize what she’d just said until she saw Vega’s face.

 _He moves fast for such a big man_  was all she could think as Vega launched himself out of his chair and came to kneel in front of her.  The brief twist of confusion on his face, followed by clarity as he stared at her gave her shivers.

“You gotta tell me if I’m out of line here, Lola...Shepard,” he said, one hand on the couch, the other drawn into a fist against his thigh.  “I know you had something with the Major, with Garrus.”

When she eyed him with a brow raised, Vega mumbled something about ship rumors and big-mouthed soldiers, and she just laughed.  The laughter died when he moved his hand from the couch to her knee.  

“See, I’m in trouble, Lola, and I’m not sure how to fix it.”  He swallowed audibly.  “Because everything I’ve learned, rules and warning that’ve been drilled into me since I joined the Alliance, they’re telling me I’m supposed to stay away.  But when I wake up in the middle of the night and I start thinking, this thing” and he tapped his chest with his other hand, “keeps me up.  Makes me hope.”

“Hope isn’t a bad thing, James,” she replied slowly, daring to move her hand onto his.  

“You sure?  Cause right now, I’m feeling pretty stupid.”

Shepard tugged on his wrist, drawing him up until they were eye to eye. “I’m sure.”  

“So you don’t want to kick my ass?”

Shepard leaned forward, her eyes dark.  “There’s another dance I was thinking of, if that’s okay with you, lieutenant.”  
  


* * *

 

_8 months later, after the war; somewhere in northern California_

The sound of rain on the roof woke Shepard.  She’d never been a heavy sleeper but now, the slightest noises in just the right pitch could wake her.

She glanced over at the mass huddled under his blanket and half of hers and grinned.  At least someone’s sleeping.

Shivering from the cold of the room, Shepard wiggled closer to the bed’s other occupant.  He never moved.

Until she put her cold hand on his bare chest.

“Dios mío, you’re cold!”

Shepard snickered and moved even closer.  “Oh, are you awake? Good, I’m freezing.”

Vega grumbled under his breath but pulled her in with an arm around her waist.  He took the opportunity to slip his hand under her tank top so the flat of his palm rested in the middle of her back.

“Don’t move, okay?  Just...stay here and go back to sleep.”

“Okay.”

A few quiet moments passed and then Vega said, “You aren’t sleeping, are you?”

She sighed.  “No.”

Lips brushed her cheek and Shepard grinned.  “You’re insatiable.”

“I warned you.”

“Yeah,  _after_  you got me into your bed, Lola.  Not before.”

“Who got who into bed?  I remember - “

His kiss cut her off and she willingly sank into the mattress as he pressed against her, all warm skin and roaming lips and a heart big enough to swallow the world if he so chose.

But he chose to open it to her.


End file.
